I still question the traditional notion of having to `give the girl' away. What right does a man, woman or a human have to give away another human being? By doing so, are we humans, not playing God!
I still have a problem with the fact that somehow it becomes the woman's prerogative to wear a sign of being married. Be it the toe-ring, the taali or mangalsutra. It still irks me when `tradition-bound' women look out for that string of black beads on your neck to assess your character, if you are married.
I have watched friends and colleagues being carried in baskets by their uncles to the altar. I have seen how the minute the yellow thread is tied, fathers and mothers of the bride feel their world is lost. It happened in my case too. Incidentally, it happened to my husband too.
So why should the girl who parents have raised with as much love and care, if not more concern as the boy, be lost to another family?
What business do we human beings have in giving away another human being? Or deciding that human being's fate, even if in the name of human good and social welfare?
It is this very thought that dowry takes its root in. It's this belief that leads to the whole race of women being considered property. Property that `should' become the goddess Lakshmi of another home, not Saraswati. Men, mostly grooms explain the whole thing away in the name of obedience to their parents and parents of the bride.
The Christian wedding ritual of exchanging rings, seems more equal. But even churches have introduced taali as part of the ceremony! The Telugu wedding `moment' of bride and groom placing cumin seeds and jaggery across a white screen, over each others' head. One of my distant uncles told me during a cousin's wedding, that the ritual symbolises Parvati's and Shiva's unbreakable union. Cumin seeds and jaggery bond that well, and that's why the ritual. Goddess Shakti who symbolises energy, and Lord Shiva - the destroyer...the logic behind this symbol makes sense.
Minus the women there and men here aspect, and the veil's-a-must bit of a Muslim wedding, the fact that the bride and groom sign in a register, is also equal.
I still have problems with the parents of the bride having to bear marriage expenses. The thought of being `given away', naturally brought about an eerie feeling of being `unwanted' -- something I still cried about to my brother when he called up that night after I was `sent' to my husband's home. I left my home crying too, when relatives popped up from nowhere to inflict customs in the name of mutual respect for my parents.
Coming back to the daan bit, I had argued a great deal about it with friends and my father, even my school principal who I had visited to give the wedding invitation, in the time preceding the wedding.
I wondered and still wonder why the just-married husband is made to look at the sky and show the star Arundhati and tell her to be as devoted as her. Arundhati, was the wife of sage Vashishta and an example of devotion. Wish there was such a story for the husband too, integral to the wedding ceremony!
Ideally the wedding should happen at night if such a ritual needs to be held. But then, many auspicious moments (muhurats) occur in the day! In my case, nature did it. The priest seemed to ask us, to look at the Sunday morning Sun, as Arundhati was not visible. If it was Sun worship, it was great! But then, even the sun hid him/herself behind clouds. So in effect, husband pointed towards....clouds! Or was it the worship of Sky - one of the five elements of nature, that the ritual pointed out? People around me still do not have answers.
They did not have answers to the kanyadaan bit too, which gets so glorified in our tradition and almost gets equated with Go daan (donating a cow). But providence and interestingly, prejudice against inter-caste marriages worked in my favour!
The logic that went unspoken: `She's from a different caste. And he is from a different caste. Why should she be `given away' to him?
The priest skipped the ritual, by choice or chance, I know not.
I....was not `donated', and that's so soothing to feel!
3 comments:
Hi,
Very thoughtful post. I wonder how many would be bold enough to go against our tradition. You are absolutely right about the giving away part. We should evolve a more equitable system.
Do you also write on women's issues?
kudos to that!
hope it works for me 2
I like your thought of being considered Equal. But the Fact is that Men are designed for a purpose and women had their own role that is very different from men. There are few exceptions of women who stood up equal to men in talent. Tell me Frankly How many girls Due the Socio Economic Conditions of the past our traditions are designed the way that we blindly follow now. I'm glad you got what you want but do you think this is possible in a rural area in India. People are used to blindly follow what the Purohit tells that you have to do. This is your side of Argument.
Let me Consider the other Side:
Education & Western Culture & Job Oriented Women are more common in current age. But how nice it would be when a kid grows with his parents rather than in daycare.
But the current western culture is a big experiment thats mostly failure in family front and of course projected success on Womens rights and the economic freedom and more DINK's in the society with very false family life. I Would like to know your views on this, I see lot of I, I, I in your blog but would it be nice if its more of a family perspective.
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